Danielle Smith's Cabinet: what else did you expect?

Edmonton and Calgary were right to rebuke the UCP. But that means some of the worst politicians imaginable now make up Premier Smith's Cabinet.

I’m enjoying a cafe patio on Whyte Ave. Adventures south of the river are rare for me, but the weather is so nice that I simply had to leave the neighbourhood I’m cooped up in the rest of the year. A loose chain forced me to leave my bike at home, unfortunately, but what is public transit for, after all?

Innumerable hot, stylish, smart looking people walk by the Orange Hall and Walterdale Theatre to the Old Strathcona farmers market, reminders that I am in the heart of the Alberta NDP’s one true stronghold. Might the downtown provincial ridings flip Liberal again one day? Doubtful, but maybe. What about the safest seats in Calgary? They’re salivating to vote for a progressive conservative party in name, not just in practice. But this historic, culturally vibrant riding along the North Saskatchewan River and Mill Creek Ravine will always vote NDP.

Falun Gong has taken over the gazebo at Dr. Wilbert McIntyre Park. They are an annoying cult with several far-right relationships, promoted mostly in the West through The Epoch Times and anti-communist ballet circuit Shen Yun. Today, they spend their time accosting passersby, performing laughable arm movements, and making sunbathing an odious experience for everyone in the park.

Remember Caylan Ford, the former UCP candidate who espoused white supremacist great replacement theories and called Pride parades a “celebration of vice and transgression?” She is a Falun Gong devotee. Ford was destined to join Kenney’s cabinet before these controversies forced her to resign, which may or may not be the only good thing she has done with her life. Alberta is a better place for her disgrace and departure from politics.

Ford’s absence did not stop Kenney from appointing a host of horrible Cabinet Ministers, people like Travis Toews, who banned sorcery, homosexuality, yoga and other ‘demonic activities’ from the school he ran. But Ford is gone, Kenney resigned, Toews did not seek re-election, and Albertans have a new government headed by Danielle Smith.

That next chapter in the UCP’s reign over our province has begun. Just yesterday, only a short trip across the river from my present perch in Rachel Notley’s Old Strathcona, Smith officially appointed one of the most conservative, reactionary, amateurish cabinets possible.

Edmonton and Calgary were right to vote against the UCP—no one, as some may think, considers regional representation or a potential seat at the cabinet table when marking their ballot—but this does mean, by virtue of her inexperienced, mostly rural caucus, that Premier Smith had no choice but to appoint who she did.

As if she did not relish the opportunity.

Adriana LaGrange is Alberta’s new Minister of Health. The province’s most important and complicated portfolio will be overseen by a Monty Python character, an empty-headed animal food trough wiper, a soulless, bog-dwelling cryptid with nary a single thought lurking beyond her evil, beady black eyes.

As Jason Kenney’s Education Minister, she introduced a backward, incredulous school curriculum and was resoundingly rejected by members of the Alberta Teachers’ Association, 99 per cent of whom sided against her in a no-confidence vote. LaGrange is the past president of the Red Deer anti-abortion activist group and used her influence as a school board trustee to approve sending children to Edmonton for anti-abortion rallies.

LaGrange has also, in fact, already served as Minister of Health. After all, somebody had to pick up the portfolio when now-defeated UCP shitbird Tyler Shandro went on vacation during the first August of the pandemic. LaGrange’s month-long tenure was not, to put it at its mildest, a good thing for Albertans and our soaring number of COVID-19 patients.

Dan Williams, the Member of the Legislative Assembly representing Peace River, is Alberta’s new Minister of Mental Health and Addiction. Williams is best known for chugging a beer during Question Period (perhaps the coolest thing an MLA has ever done) and submitting a private members bill to take away your right to have an abortion (perhaps one of the least cool things an MLA has ever done).

Williams also, bizarrely, believes Alberta’s public schools should be run like private liquor stores. Williams is clearly the kind of man you want in charge of the province’s strategy to assist those with debilitating addictions and mental health impairments. His appointment also means there are at least two Ministers who explicitly want you to never, ever, ever have an abortion. I’m sure that will turn out fine.

Jason Nixon, Kenney’s right-hand-man (previously) as well as the much taller Jason (this remains the case), is Alberta’s new Minister for Seniors, Community and Social Services. Some would have you believe he once beat a pregnant wild horse to death with his bare hands (google it), but this was never proven in court.

Much more disturbingly, Nixon Safety Consulting was fined by British Columbia’s Human Rights Tribunal after Nixon himself fired a woman for being sexually harassed at work. If you can believe it, he actually reprimanded this employee for showing up late and then terminated her employment one week before Christmas. It will be interesting to see how Kenney’s former Government House Leader plays his cards as one of Smith’s subordinates.

You may know Devin Dreeshen as the red-hatted dweeb in that photo from Donald Trump’s 2016 victory party. If you’re not so terminally online, you most likely remember him as Kenney’s former Minister of Agriculture, the one who resigned for personal health and wellness reasons (he was responsible for a toxic work environment, sexual harassment complaints, and could not stop drinking on the job).

Dreeshen is the kind of man who looks like he has never worked a day in his life. Fittingly, as Minister of Agriculture, he joined forces with Dr. Deena Hinshaw to send Cargill workers to their deaths in the early months of the pandemic—because why would a man like Dreeshen care about worker safety when there are company profits to make?

Dreeshen even got into a dust up with conspiracy theorist Vivian Krause, someone he probably assumed would be on his side, when he spread misinformation about environmental groups. Anyway, he is Danielle Smith’s Minister of Transportation and Economic Corridors.

This is just a taste of the heavy artillery Smith has at her disposal.

I would be remiss if I did not shout-out the journalists at Press Progress, whose good work I cited heavily in the above paragraphs.

I could go on about the awful people who now run our province, but today I choose to exercise my restraint and instead trust in you to appreciate our dire situation based on the handful of examples I’ve pointed out as well as those I don’t need to expand upon, such as Municipal Affairs Minister Ric McIvor, a remnant of the PC’s old boys club and the dude who marched with Artur Pawlowski’s anti-gay gang, and then there’s appalling public excrement like Brian Jean, Todd Loewen, Tanya Fir and… well, I did say I could go on.

The next four years will test our resolve. There are two groups of anti-UCP activists who must coalesce if we are to have a chance: those who still believe in voting as hard as we can and those who recognize community organizing and civil disobedience as the only tenable path of resistance. Vote if you must, but that is another four years away. If we are to succeed, we must build capacity to fight in the here and now and we must deliberately leave the impotent Alberta NDP out of it.

It’s 1:30 p.m. and my server does not want to sell me any more negronis. One of Notley’s former Chiefs of Staff walks by; our eyes meet and we share a scowl. It’s time to find a new spot far, far away from Falun Gong.